Wellesley. There’s just something about
you. I could tell.” Or “Skadden, Arps, huh?
Do you know Heidi Horowitz?”
QUESTION: WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE
WHOSE POLITICS YOU ABHOR (SAY, A NEO-NAZI) IF
SHE HAD A SKINNY WAIST AND BIG BREASTS?
When masturbating, do you wear
individual finger puppets to achieve an
Do you choose your apparatus at the gym
irrespective of working a specific muscle
group, but because of the excellent sight line it
affords to women on the stair-climbers?
When you meet a new couple at a social
event, do you tend to ignore the husband or
boyfriend, establish eye contact with the
woman, and signal to her—wordlessly and
with subtle gestures—that you’d like to take
her to a motel and massage her perineum
with warm almond oil?
the-lungs screaming sex with a different,
voluptuous, jaw-droppingly beautiful woman
every single day for the rest of your life, and
then be doomed to spend eternity in hell,
where you’d pass a kidney stone every three
minutes while a troll with tweezers yanked
hairs from your nostrils?
Have you had sexual fantasies about your
wife’s girlfriends, your teenage daughter’s
girlfriends, your mother’s girlfriends,
female cartoon characters on the backs of
cereal boxes, or public restroom icons?
Instead of spending a quiet afternoon with
your family at home, would you rather be
kidnapped by a cult of female Korean golfers
who take you to their fortified clubhouse,
buried deep beneath the surface of the earth
near Pyongyang , and force you to submit to
almost nonstop serial fellatio?
Have you ever fantasized about being an
orangutan or a chimpanzee masturbating
in front of a crowd of appalled zoogoers?
( That is, have you ever considered a
career as an actor?)
Do you feel that your life is defined by the
compulsive and joyless pursuit of woman
after woman after woman, devoid of
emotional commitment, a faceless blur
of heaving breasts, glistening vulvas, and
throbbing clitorises…but that, goddamn it,
somebody’s gotta do it?
Do you personally believe that lining up
your next piece of ass is a more urgent
priority than rebuilding America’s crumbling
Would you have sex with someone whose
politics you abhor (say, a neo-Nazi ) if she
had a skinny waist and big breasts?
Would you consider making a deal in which
you would have sweat-drenched, top-of-
Has your online-porn fetish become so
refined that your taxonomical subsector
actually includes fewer than a dozen
women worldwide? For example: Mature
Hairy Asian Midget Hypoglycemic Type-O-Negative Plumpers Who Squirt.
Is your name Harry Palmer and do you live in
Grosse Pointe , Michigan?
If you answered yes to 11 or more of these
questions, congratulations! You are a
sex addict! What does being diagnosed
as a sex addict entitle you to? You can
now behave like a selfish, narcissistic,
exploitative, treacherous, philandering
asshole, and be considered a “victim.”
Women will feel sorry for you…and want
to have sex with you!
Do you find yourself being thrown helplessly
across the bodies of buxom subway riders (and
often having to clutch desperately at their
buttocks to prevent yourself from being flung
to the floor), even though the train hasn’t left
the station and is completely still?
CYCLES OF DESIRE
How to know when she wants to have sex
Have you ever fantasized about orally
pleasuring Katie Couric while she
struggles to maintain her composure and
narrate a story about artisanal tilapia
harvesting in Papua New Guinea
Men always seem to have sex
on the brain, but a woman’s
carnal cravings are much more
difficult to predict. Or so you
thought. Here’s a guide to
your best chance at getting
lucky…this month, this year,
and for the rest of your life.
70 percent cocoa solids,
such as Scharffen Berger.
“Chocolate increases dopamine
production, the brain chemical
associated with infatuation and
desire,” says Dr. Booth. Or try
an herb-infused dark chocolate,
such as the Vosges Red Fire
bar, which is made with libido-boosting red chilies.
up to 2,000 if she tends to stay
out of the sun). Or go for a run
together. Exercise is a natural
way to boost dopamine.
Have you ever gotten an erection at
an airport because of the way a female
immigration official stamped your passport?
Do you think the AMC series Mad
Men would be even better if each
episode ended with a full 10 minutes
of Christina Hendricks taking off her
clothes, slathering her naked body with
melted Smart Balance, and undulating
frenetically to Jake One’s “I’m Coming”?
A woman’s sex drive peaks
during the week after her
period, when her body has
the optimum balance of the
hormones estrogen and
testosterone. This means she
feels feminine, yet confident
and assertive. “Put it all
together and you have a great
recipe for human connection,”
says Rebecca Booth, MD,
author of The Venus Week.
Spring is one of the best times
for sex. Why? “Sunlight levels
in the springtime stimulate the
production of vitamin D, which
is essential for ovulation,”
says Dr. Booth. Yale University
researchers recently found that
vitamin D can improve fertility
and the chances of conception.
While a woman’s fertility peaks
in her t wenties, some women
reach their sexual peak in their
forties, thanks to a decline in
estrogen and an increase in
testosterone after menopause.
And in her fifties, the adrenal
gland, located by the kidneys,
can release the same hormones,
keeping her sex drive alive.
To be sure: Feed her dark
chocolate made from at least
To be sure: Give her vitamin
D supplements ( 1,000 units a
day is best, but she can take
To be sure: Give her 25 to
50 milligrams of DHEA, an
adrenal supplement that helps
women with low sex drive, says
Dr. Booth. Or prepare her a meal
that’s rich in nuts, seeds, and
beans; all are natural dopamine
boosters. ALISON KOTCH