I recall something a young black guy said to my wife’s sister on
their first date. Watching some African-American men acting up
at the restaurant they were eating in, he turned to her and said,
“Listen, I want to get something straight. I’m a black man, but I
ain’t no nigger.” I don’t ever want Asher to say that; I don’t want him
to believe something called a nigger even exists. But someday he
will probably have to push back on black peers who want him to be
more street. His skin color makes it seemingly inevitable. He could
do worse than my sister-in-law’s date.
But I don’t want him to be whitewashed either, like that black
dude at college who wore bow ties, sang tenor in the a cappella
group, and was the only pledge of color at Psi U. For that reason,
we won’t be moving to Maine or the deep Midwest anytime soon,
I worry about teaching him
the difference between
plain rudeness and racism,
something I often find
mysterious myself.
thanks, although I once thought of raising a family there. Those
places are just too white. Asher will grow up with people who look
like him…and like me too.
We’ve made sure Asher has people to look up to on both
sides of the family. He spends most weekdays with his Haitian
grandmother, who lives five minutes away. My wife’s family is very
close. Growing up, when Marie complained that she wanted to go
out with her friends, her mother would ask, “What do you need
friends for? You have cousins.” Asher has cousins, as well as aunts
and uncles and family friends galore from which to choose. Marie
reads him bedtime stories in French and chastises him in Creole
when he’s bad, as her mother did. The culture will be passed down.
But even in the year of our first black president, I dread some
of the things that are coming, like the first time some white kid
or his parent rejects Asher. I can foresee broken bones or harsh
words. I want to be a model of strength and self-restraint for my
son, but I don’t think I will be able to bring it off—not the first
time anyway. Black fathers go through this every day; there’s no
reason I should be exempt.
I worry about being too tough on him, but I don’t ever want
my son to be hurt if someone asks him to get his or her car at a
wedding or mistakes him for a waiter. I worry about teaching him
the difference between plain rudeness and racism, something
I often find mysterious myself. I will have to explain why his
mother winces when he goes to play with the white girls in his
class and leaves the black girls alone.
Asher will do whatever he wants in the world, I’m sure. He’s
surrounded by love and ambition and the immigrant work ethics
of two families. What I worry about is failing him, that he will
need help one day and I will not know how to fix what is wrong. I
just hope that I will be the equal of my father, a man who came to
a harsh new world and did the right thing so consistently that he
made it seem as if there were no possible option. And I hope I can
pass down his goodness for Asher to have as his own.
THE RAINBOW PROHIBITION
How to talk to your kids about that thing
everybody’s afraid to talk about
The very thing that
makes talking to
young children so
much fun (their
complete lack of self-
awareness) can send
a dad scrambling
for a trapdoor when
the topic turns
to race. Even an
innocent observation
on ethnicity, when
rendered in public,
can convince
strangers that you’re
raising Archie Bunker
Jr. Your normal first
instinct: Hush the
kid up and bury
the race issue with
a comment such
as “We don’t see
color differences.
Everybody is the
same.” But that’s
exactly the wrong
thing to do, because
children do see
simple, obvious
differences: girl or
boy, tall or short,
black or white.
“Not answering a
child’s questions
about race conveys
the message that
something is wrong
with discussing racial
differences,” says
child psychologist
Allison Briscoe-
Smith, PhD, a
professor at Pacific
Graduate School
of Psychology,
who has focused
much of her studies
on understanding
children’s perceptions
of race. “Instead,
research suggests
that parents should
be proactive and
use their children’s
curiosity as a
way to begin the
conversation.” Here
are three key points
to get you started.
DETERMINE YOUR OWN
HANG-UPS
If you’re not comfortable talking
about race, your kids will notice and
it will feel like something taboo when
you bring it up, says Carmen Van
Kerckhove, founder and publisher
of AntiRacistParent.com, a great
resource for parents who want to
talk about race with their kids. Find
out where your hang-ups are by
talking more openly about race with
your spouse or peers and tuning in
to the specific topics that make you
uncomfortable—and then educate
yourself by reading a book or two
on the subject (try “Why Are All the
Black Kids Sitting Together in the
Cafeteria?”: A Psychologist Explains
the Development of Racial Identity, by
Beverly Daniel Tatum). By the time you
have to deal with your kids’ questions,
the answers will come naturally, so
you won’t give the impression that
race conversations are something
strange or off-limits.
DON’T BE DEFENSIVE
Kids often make blunt statements
about racial differences, and while
they’re embarrassing for parents to
overhear, they’re just signs of natural
curiosity, not inherent racism. The
last thing you should do is shush
your child or act as if he or she did
something wrong by saying that your
child “didn’t learn that at home,” says
Briscoe-Smith. “Instead, react by
asking questions and engaging in a
conversation about the comment,” she
advises. This may feel awkward at first,
but if you start an open discussion and
include the other child or adult, it is the
perfect opportunity to talk about race.
DIVERSIFY THE
ENVIRONMENT
Make talking about race easy by
fostering an environment in which the
subject comes up freely—especially
if you live in an area that isn’t racially
diverse, says Van Kerckhove. Don’t
limit your children to dolls and action
figures with your skin color; diversify
the toy box. And make sure your
kids are watching TV shows that
feature children of various ethnicities.
“Television can be one of the best
ways to bring up the subject of race
with kids,” says Van Kerckhove. “You
can ask them questions and answer
theirs.” LINDSEY ASPINALL GETZ
